Religious Commitments & Intimate Relationships

What is one to do when you think that you've found the love of your life, but they've just revealed that their religion is different from yours? For some people, this may not be a problem. But for others, the difference in religious backgrounds can make all the difference in the way the relationship is handled in the future. This article is intended for the people in the second group, who are actively looking for advice on what to do next. Here, I will offer some advice to help approach this situation.

We all know that interrogation is one of the best methods to use in order to get to know another person, and everyone knows the first date routine lineup: "Where are you from?," "How old are you?," "What's your favorite color?," "Have you ever been convicted of murder," etc. (I'm sure that I'm not the only one who thought it helpful to get all of the the basic information out of the way, as soon as possible, so that I could move on to the more juicier topics). However mundane obtaining these basic facts may seem, one must acknowledge their significance. Personally, I do not think that I ever took the time to realize the value that lies behind these questions. That is, until now.

MY EXPERIENCE...

Image Credit: Henry Lee Battle

Perhaps it is due to the fact that I made the conscious effort to be overly inquisitive, and considered the act of dating as something done for sport, which caused me to reconsider the pace of the relationship I had chosen to involve myself in. As imagined, I ran threw the basic questions and he passed with flying colors. We were so compatible, it was incredible! Time had gone by gracefully, making a short period of time seem longer - a blissful forever - and plans were soon in the making for us to live together. Like any other woman, I wanted to make sure that his mindset was correct (i.e marriage in the future), as residing together is a major step in any relationship. The moment he opened his mouth is the same moment that time came to an abrupt stop. It was at this moment, months later after our relationship had begun, when I realized that I had jumped over an important topic altogether in my first date lineup: religion. And finding out about a partner's religious background at a point, such as this, is a challenge and a half! 

Image Credit: Henry Lee Battle

With conviction, he spoke to me saying, "I wish that religion was not so important to you." Having been raised in a Christian household, and having only ever received Christian private school education, I knew not how to respond. Still in shock at his statement, I thought to myself, "Could he be any more inconsiderate or disrespectful?" Out of my mouth came not, "What?," but a cartoon-like, extended, "WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" How easily angered I became, knowing that a relationship that I had invested in would shortly come to an end provided he could not change his mind about Christianity. I knew this was not going to be the most effective ultimatum that I had ever given to another person, but I desired immediate satisfaction. I did not want to imagine the relationship ending, so I continued with my plan anyway.

RECOMMENDATIONS...

DO NOT CONTINUE AS I DID! Understanding the perspective of other persons is vital in many aspects of life, especially in an intimate relationship. Since I was not in the mood for being patient, I refrained from taking the better route, which includes (not all, but some of) the steps that follow: 

1) Be Calm!: It is easier to overreact to the conflict that arises in this situation, especially if religion/spirituality is prevalent in your life. However tempting it may be to throw punches or hurtful words, it will benefit you more to remain calm and be prepared to talk out the differences. The worst thing that can come from acting out on anger is an irrational decision. No one is ever happy after that. 

2) Compare/Contrast and Compromise!: Although this is one of the steps that many people would rather skip, I find that it is helpful if both parties sit and talk about their beliefs. While many religious people may be opposed to listening to the traditions and values of another faith, I would argue that this could be an opportunity for the couple to grow closer,  despite their differences. One may even be surprised to find out some of the similarities between their religious doctrines! 

Image Credit: Johnny Myers

If it happens that there are some similarities that one can live with, then it may be good to know the the relationship can still be salvaged (as religion can often be a deal-breaker for many people). I do not recommend compromising your faith - that is something that no one should be requested of doing. However, it may be possible to compromise which of the religious/spiritual activities that are done when together and which ones can be done when in the absence of the other partner. Embarking on a religious/spiritual journey can be very beneficial for those who are willing to explore and learn about the things that are important to the one that they love.

3) Be Patient!: If it happens that the two of you decide to engage in the religious/spiritual activities of the other's faith or learn why it is important to your partner, then it is imperative that you display patience at all times. Being that religion has always been regarded as a sensitive topic, there is a lot of opportunity for any conversation to turn sour.   Unlike me, you want to take smaller steps in introducing these practices.

4) Ask About Religion FIRST!: Think long and hard about what questions you choose in your first date lineup. Whereas I once took religion/spirituality for granted, assuming that everyone I dated would share the same religious beliefs, it is now on my lineup list. Knowing what matters to you and presenting those characteristics is more valuable than sharing the same color or food. Ask now and there will be no issues later!

5) KNOW What You Want!: If you KNOW that you are uncomfortable with anyone who shares different religious beliefs, then you also KNOW that you should end it as soon as possible. But, for those who are unsure, take some personal time to decide if the presence of another religion is something that you are willing to embrace or not. You are an individual before you are a person in a relationship. Retain your individuality and make this personal choice count!