Nature Knows Best

It's a rare occasion if you catch me off-guard by anything. Some things, maybe - but that's a huge maybe. Due to my awareness and ability to command what lies ahead, I often find myself being told that I'm over-planning, over-thinking, and even overdoing certain things. My reaction: "Well uh! I want to ensure that what it is that I expect actually happens." Applying this to my academic career has not proven to be a terrible habit. My plannings and thinkings and doings have all contributed to my many successes in school, placing me in a great position for when I graduate. Applying this to my personal life may have not been the best idea I've ever had. And yes, I'm admitting this with a smile.

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I am not too open to everyone about my personal life, but there is something to be said about what I have learned so far. Granted, I have learned a lot from the people I've dated, but I think that much is owed to one person in particular.. who will remain nameless for privacy purposes.

Photo Credit: Google

I recently read about how 20 something year old women tend to think and act like 30 something year old women. In essence, we plan out what it is that we want from life, and expect that each person who is in our life should act according to the plans that we have for ourselves. We rarely stop to think about what role it is that the other people wish to play in our lives, whether they be present for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. We plan, too far in advance, our weddings and house blueprints and funerals before we've ever had date number 3, money for the current month's rent or a diagnosis. Our thinking is beyond what is in front of us. While it is always awesome to plan ahead, I've learned how important it is to live in 'today.'

Check out the article from Elite Daily here: http://elitedaily.com/women/20-something-women-need-stop-thinking-like-30-something-women/634789/ 

I spent a great deal of time worried about my future because I wanted to be sure that nothing got in the way of what it is that I wanted. I, like many others, was always taught to have backup plans because I should always expect that things will not go the way I intended. Growing up as a single child, however - and an intelligent one at that - I made sure that I worked hard enough to get what it was that my heart desired. Being an adult, I thought it should work not differently than it did before. So, in vocalizing my future plans to my partner in casual conversation, I learned a lot about the person as well as myself. While I have yet to decide whether or not I was ready to learn these things, I am certain that I am happy the conversation was had.

During the conversation, ultimately, I learned where my partner viewed as his 'finish line' in life; the place he would consider himself after having been deemed a success by his own standards. I learned what beliefs my partner had for himself, in comparison to mine and realized that a lot of things can change over a one-year time span (Note: we had this conversation before and I recognized the differences in responses). Now, I will not say that the stars must be aligned and by the end of the conversation we realized we were made for each other - because that's definitely not seeming to be the case - BUT! I will say that the conversation about future plans, and the drastic differences in our responses since the first time we conversed showed me that it isn't necessary to be too detailed with the plans that you make for yourself.

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I wanted to be a singer as a little girl, then an actress, then a fashion designer, then a detective, then a teacher, then Beyonce, then a rich woman working for a Fortune 500 company, and then my aspirations to be other people simply stopped. I kept changing directions based on who I thought would be good for me to emulate. Not so long ago, I committed myself to a new profession, life-long goal that was not too detailed, and would only have a positive affect on the people in my life, whether they were in it for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

I committed myself to being happy. 

Yup, it's as simple as that.

Photo Credit: Google

Will I think of the next step to take in my life as I pass milestones? Of course. Will I plan the next step with my partner in mind? Probably not. The article was right about this: Your 20's are suppose to be about freedom to do what it is that make you happy. And if you are not completely sold on the person who is occupying the place next to you, or if the person does not seem completely certain that the two of you are moving int he same direction, or (in short), if there is any doubt about anything, I would not plan with that person in mind. Move forward with life making the most of it.

Remember that Nature Knows Best: what is meant to be will always be.


Best to all the ladies,

MM :)

Dating The Family

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I'm going out on a date and my mother tells me to bring her food. I don't think anything of her request until, days later, I realize that she's asked me to bring her back food from my dates numerous times before. It got me thinking: Is she under the impression that the person I am dating must be able to please her too with his taste in meals, too? For a second, I tried not to take myself too seriously. Then I came to the conclusion that my mother truly believed that she was dating the guy too. I mean, when I really thought about it, she had always been curious as to where we were going, if it was a group or just us, and how much he spent. Looking back, I took these questions as nothing to be concerned with since she simply seemed as curious as any of my girlfriends. Then I remember: this is my mom. There had to be more behind it.

When family members become inquisitive (the nice way of saying 'nosey') about who I'm spending the majority of my time with, I find it to be annoying. Deep down I know that they are simply being protective and showing that they care. For that reason, I have no issues with saying who my friends are, their plans and mine for the day to 'authoritative figures.' However, when it comes to my personal life, I've always wondered when it would be best to draw the line. Checking in from their perspective, I guess, the guy I'm dating matters to them because there may be potential for a future with him and I, essentially making him family.

*** Yes, I'm jumping to conclusions about this, but I think it's okay for now. These hypotheticals are intended to force me to plan accordingly.

Photo Credit: Google

To keep it short (and get to the point), I'd like to draw a conclusion: be careful of who you decide to date because they will be dating the entire family. Everyone has experienced meeting the parents of their significant other, and everyone knows that its important to make a good impression. You want them to approve of your dating so things can continue to sail smoothly. Fair enough. While this is something that many people consider a private matter and tend to only think about the daters, I would like to make a point that nothing is ever 100% secret anymore (especially if you are like me and are sharing an apartment with family). They (family) talk. Know that when you are dating someone, you are dating their family. Be careful. Likewise, when you marry someone that you are marrying inTO the family. As long as 'you' is a 'we,' then 'us' is the only pronoun you'll be using for a while.

Good luck!

Best,
MM :)

Break Me Off

Dealing with my own emotions is a pain. I'm an English major and still get stumped when it comes to articulating how I feel. The problem is that we are limited to the words that are allotted to us in our vocabulary... but that's a conversation for another blog entry. Right now, I want to deal with the personal issues that arise when deciding to break off someone from your life. While I do not believe it is possible to burn bridges with one hundred precent certainty, I do believe that it is possible to do so with feeling some sort of relief in the choice. However, when that feeling is no longer present, after the decision has been made, then you have another problem. Establishing yourself on the middle ground platform is worth discussing. And, luckily for your wandering heart, I am here to help.

Image Credit: Slow Bumpy Road

Breaking off from a relationship can be the hardest thing one ever does. (And this is not something that I am over exaggerating). No matter the age or amount of time spent with the person, it never gets easier. Dealing with emotions for yourself is challenging on its own. So, when you add someone else to the mix, it's understandable that your decision can seem to be a matter of life or death since someone else is hanging in the balance as well. There is a huge responsibility that comes with making choices that impact your life, and the life of another persons (which is why parenthood is nothing to take lightly). Simply considering the act of ending a relationship can be daunting; returning items, memories, gifts (or not), can be a long and painful process. But, if it must happen, then it shall, and all joy to your life will be restored. 

That's a bunch of sarcasm if I ever wrote it.  (see last sentence).

Image Credit: The Hoggards

I have made mistakes before that have led to me to change my mind. And if you're just as
indecisive as I am at times, and are forced to make a decision, it's okay to move forward with your decision and admit to making an error in judgment. But to be sure that you do not make the same mistake again, there are some things you should consider while waiting for the right answer to ride along the path that you are walking... alone.

Honesty

It is more than necessary for you to be honest with yourself at all times. No one knows you like you do. Your needs and desires may be expressed to outsiders, but no one knows what it means to feel the same exact way that you do about your situation. Paying attention to who you are listening to is crucial. If you are finalizing decisions about your relationship, and taking the advice from someone who has never been in a relationship, then I advise you to allow that person to talk about 'their ideals,' (things they are 'sure' about but have never had to put into action themselves), but remember your opinion overrides that of anyone else.

Recovery
Grant yourself time to recover from making the decision. This is an important step in any decision. While it has often been used with a lingering negative connotation, it is meant to be positive when I say, "You need to reap what it is that you sew." Not many people experience the result of their own choice. It is important for you to soak in the affects of your decision. It is only in dwelling on this platform that you will realize if it's best to jump on the next train in the same direction, or 'right' your 'wrong,' and purchase a one way ticket back from where you came. Either way, this experience will prove to be the perfect guide for taking the next step. Most importantly, this move was not influenced by anyone else, but done on your own accord.

Confidence

Image Credit: John, How To Get Confidence

Now that you have taken the time to be honest with yourself about the choice you have decided
to re-make, it is best to put those thoughts into action. Without action, nothing is really accomplished. Making moves towards what it is that you really want can be the most rewarding sensation your mind experiences. It is assumed that by the time you get to this stage that you are not the same person that you were when you made the first decision. You should feel prepared to make a change, and do just that.


With this being said, I leave you with a quote from Albert Einstein that encourages making a change. It is not explicit as to whether or not the change must be geared towards correcting a wrong decision, or not. What it does do, however, is approve of making change, because that is how our world evolves. Being apart of this world, it's only right that we change too.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”  ― Albert Einstein

Sincerely,
MM :)

Religious Commitments & Intimate Relationships

What is one to do when you think that you've found the love of your life, but they've just revealed that their religion is different from yours? For some people, this may not be a problem. But for others, the difference in religious backgrounds can make all the difference in the way the relationship is handled in the future. This article is intended for the people in the second group, who are actively looking for advice on what to do next. Here, I will offer some advice to help approach this situation.

We all know that interrogation is one of the best methods to use in order to get to know another person, and everyone knows the first date routine lineup: "Where are you from?," "How old are you?," "What's your favorite color?," "Have you ever been convicted of murder," etc. (I'm sure that I'm not the only one who thought it helpful to get all of the the basic information out of the way, as soon as possible, so that I could move on to the more juicier topics). However mundane obtaining these basic facts may seem, one must acknowledge their significance. Personally, I do not think that I ever took the time to realize the value that lies behind these questions. That is, until now.

MY EXPERIENCE...

Image Credit: Henry Lee Battle

Perhaps it is due to the fact that I made the conscious effort to be overly inquisitive, and considered the act of dating as something done for sport, which caused me to reconsider the pace of the relationship I had chosen to involve myself in. As imagined, I ran threw the basic questions and he passed with flying colors. We were so compatible, it was incredible! Time had gone by gracefully, making a short period of time seem longer - a blissful forever - and plans were soon in the making for us to live together. Like any other woman, I wanted to make sure that his mindset was correct (i.e marriage in the future), as residing together is a major step in any relationship. The moment he opened his mouth is the same moment that time came to an abrupt stop. It was at this moment, months later after our relationship had begun, when I realized that I had jumped over an important topic altogether in my first date lineup: religion. And finding out about a partner's religious background at a point, such as this, is a challenge and a half! 

Image Credit: Henry Lee Battle

With conviction, he spoke to me saying, "I wish that religion was not so important to you." Having been raised in a Christian household, and having only ever received Christian private school education, I knew not how to respond. Still in shock at his statement, I thought to myself, "Could he be any more inconsiderate or disrespectful?" Out of my mouth came not, "What?," but a cartoon-like, extended, "WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" How easily angered I became, knowing that a relationship that I had invested in would shortly come to an end provided he could not change his mind about Christianity. I knew this was not going to be the most effective ultimatum that I had ever given to another person, but I desired immediate satisfaction. I did not want to imagine the relationship ending, so I continued with my plan anyway.

RECOMMENDATIONS...

DO NOT CONTINUE AS I DID! Understanding the perspective of other persons is vital in many aspects of life, especially in an intimate relationship. Since I was not in the mood for being patient, I refrained from taking the better route, which includes (not all, but some of) the steps that follow: 

1) Be Calm!: It is easier to overreact to the conflict that arises in this situation, especially if religion/spirituality is prevalent in your life. However tempting it may be to throw punches or hurtful words, it will benefit you more to remain calm and be prepared to talk out the differences. The worst thing that can come from acting out on anger is an irrational decision. No one is ever happy after that. 

2) Compare/Contrast and Compromise!: Although this is one of the steps that many people would rather skip, I find that it is helpful if both parties sit and talk about their beliefs. While many religious people may be opposed to listening to the traditions and values of another faith, I would argue that this could be an opportunity for the couple to grow closer,  despite their differences. One may even be surprised to find out some of the similarities between their religious doctrines! 

Image Credit: Johnny Myers

If it happens that there are some similarities that one can live with, then it may be good to know the the relationship can still be salvaged (as religion can often be a deal-breaker for many people). I do not recommend compromising your faith - that is something that no one should be requested of doing. However, it may be possible to compromise which of the religious/spiritual activities that are done when together and which ones can be done when in the absence of the other partner. Embarking on a religious/spiritual journey can be very beneficial for those who are willing to explore and learn about the things that are important to the one that they love.

3) Be Patient!: If it happens that the two of you decide to engage in the religious/spiritual activities of the other's faith or learn why it is important to your partner, then it is imperative that you display patience at all times. Being that religion has always been regarded as a sensitive topic, there is a lot of opportunity for any conversation to turn sour.   Unlike me, you want to take smaller steps in introducing these practices.

4) Ask About Religion FIRST!: Think long and hard about what questions you choose in your first date lineup. Whereas I once took religion/spirituality for granted, assuming that everyone I dated would share the same religious beliefs, it is now on my lineup list. Knowing what matters to you and presenting those characteristics is more valuable than sharing the same color or food. Ask now and there will be no issues later!

5) KNOW What You Want!: If you KNOW that you are uncomfortable with anyone who shares different religious beliefs, then you also KNOW that you should end it as soon as possible. But, for those who are unsure, take some personal time to decide if the presence of another religion is something that you are willing to embrace or not. You are an individual before you are a person in a relationship. Retain your individuality and make this personal choice count!