Break Me Off

Dealing with my own emotions is a pain. I'm an English major and still get stumped when it comes to articulating how I feel. The problem is that we are limited to the words that are allotted to us in our vocabulary... but that's a conversation for another blog entry. Right now, I want to deal with the personal issues that arise when deciding to break off someone from your life. While I do not believe it is possible to burn bridges with one hundred precent certainty, I do believe that it is possible to do so with feeling some sort of relief in the choice. However, when that feeling is no longer present, after the decision has been made, then you have another problem. Establishing yourself on the middle ground platform is worth discussing. And, luckily for your wandering heart, I am here to help.

Image Credit: Slow Bumpy Road

Breaking off from a relationship can be the hardest thing one ever does. (And this is not something that I am over exaggerating). No matter the age or amount of time spent with the person, it never gets easier. Dealing with emotions for yourself is challenging on its own. So, when you add someone else to the mix, it's understandable that your decision can seem to be a matter of life or death since someone else is hanging in the balance as well. There is a huge responsibility that comes with making choices that impact your life, and the life of another persons (which is why parenthood is nothing to take lightly). Simply considering the act of ending a relationship can be daunting; returning items, memories, gifts (or not), can be a long and painful process. But, if it must happen, then it shall, and all joy to your life will be restored. 

That's a bunch of sarcasm if I ever wrote it.  (see last sentence).

Image Credit: The Hoggards

I have made mistakes before that have led to me to change my mind. And if you're just as
indecisive as I am at times, and are forced to make a decision, it's okay to move forward with your decision and admit to making an error in judgment. But to be sure that you do not make the same mistake again, there are some things you should consider while waiting for the right answer to ride along the path that you are walking... alone.

Honesty

It is more than necessary for you to be honest with yourself at all times. No one knows you like you do. Your needs and desires may be expressed to outsiders, but no one knows what it means to feel the same exact way that you do about your situation. Paying attention to who you are listening to is crucial. If you are finalizing decisions about your relationship, and taking the advice from someone who has never been in a relationship, then I advise you to allow that person to talk about 'their ideals,' (things they are 'sure' about but have never had to put into action themselves), but remember your opinion overrides that of anyone else.

Recovery
Grant yourself time to recover from making the decision. This is an important step in any decision. While it has often been used with a lingering negative connotation, it is meant to be positive when I say, "You need to reap what it is that you sew." Not many people experience the result of their own choice. It is important for you to soak in the affects of your decision. It is only in dwelling on this platform that you will realize if it's best to jump on the next train in the same direction, or 'right' your 'wrong,' and purchase a one way ticket back from where you came. Either way, this experience will prove to be the perfect guide for taking the next step. Most importantly, this move was not influenced by anyone else, but done on your own accord.

Confidence

Image Credit: John, How To Get Confidence

Now that you have taken the time to be honest with yourself about the choice you have decided
to re-make, it is best to put those thoughts into action. Without action, nothing is really accomplished. Making moves towards what it is that you really want can be the most rewarding sensation your mind experiences. It is assumed that by the time you get to this stage that you are not the same person that you were when you made the first decision. You should feel prepared to make a change, and do just that.


With this being said, I leave you with a quote from Albert Einstein that encourages making a change. It is not explicit as to whether or not the change must be geared towards correcting a wrong decision, or not. What it does do, however, is approve of making change, because that is how our world evolves. Being apart of this world, it's only right that we change too.

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”  ― Albert Einstein

Sincerely,
MM :)

It's Your Hump, Make The Most Of It

Everyone knows what a rebound is. For those who are unsure, or unfamiliar with the term, you've missed out. (Thankfully for you, I'm here to keep you up-to-date) A rebound is most popular as basketball terminology, referring to a ball that bounces back after striking the rim of the basketball hoop. However, it is going to be used in this post as it is often referenced in the modern day dating scene - also found on urbandictionary.com - "someone you date/go out with to keep yourself busy and you use him/her to keep your mind off your ex you (possibly) still have feelings for." Now, while this seems like a great prospect, there are a few damaging steps that can sprout from this circumstance... but who wants to talk about that?! I certainly won't. I am going to vent for a bit, however, about what you SHOULD and SHOULD NOT do to avoid any misunderstandings between you and your rebound, keeping them in their place (FRIENDzone) and you in yours (FREEzone).

Image Credit: Marni's Wing Girl Method

The WORST case scenario for a rebounding situation is that... well... the rebound traps you and you end up in a real relationship. This is no bueno (no good). Imagine: it's taken a while for you to exit one relationship, mostly because you still have attachments to the ex, and your rebound catches you at the most vulnerable time of your life (this may be over exaggerated), then you say... "OK." This kind of situation appears from a series of SHOULD NOT moves that have been made on both ends. The sequence of events usually happens like this...

POUR UP - breakup - HEAD SHOT - rebound - PASS OUT - sex - FADED - engaged  

Ok... maybe you don't come out engaged, but the pressure equivalent is pretty damn close, and the feeling of being in that new relationship is just as burdensome. Granted, an engagement is a beautiful moment in anyone's life. But what good is the right person if it is not the right time? Somewhere between  passing out and being faded, you both found yourselves in a clouded space, feasting on lust crusted hors d'oeuvres served on a wooden head board, and are convinced it feels so 'right.'

Image Credit: Beyonce Music Video

Let's be clear: the only thing that feels 'right' is the attention. Face it... had you not consumed so much that you became a life size bottle of Everclear, now slobbishly accessorized with purple and green Mardi gras beads, you would not be in the present circumstance, wondering how you are in a new relationship. Sulk, cry, drink and eat your weight in ice cream while watching Waiting To Exhale and listening to Not Gon' Cry (Mary J. Blige) - men, do you. But do not let your rebound interfere with this process. They are there to serve only one purpose, and it is not to be your therapist! That's what friends are for.

Image Credit: Young Body Nutrition

The BEST case scenario for a rebounding situation is that YOU pursue the rebound, and finalize a relationship that you are ready and prepared to take on. Though knowing when enough time has elapsed since your last break up is crucial to choosing a time to start dating again, it is even more of a surprise when you allow the person you have chosen for a rebound to slowly become more significant than 'another friend.' By initiating the steps in moving forward, you maintain control. No one can make a move unless you approve - sounds great, right? Well... That's because control over your situation is the 'right' feeling, and one that is always worth experiencing.


Be Happy!
MM :)

Religious Commitments & Intimate Relationships

What is one to do when you think that you've found the love of your life, but they've just revealed that their religion is different from yours? For some people, this may not be a problem. But for others, the difference in religious backgrounds can make all the difference in the way the relationship is handled in the future. This article is intended for the people in the second group, who are actively looking for advice on what to do next. Here, I will offer some advice to help approach this situation.

We all know that interrogation is one of the best methods to use in order to get to know another person, and everyone knows the first date routine lineup: "Where are you from?," "How old are you?," "What's your favorite color?," "Have you ever been convicted of murder," etc. (I'm sure that I'm not the only one who thought it helpful to get all of the the basic information out of the way, as soon as possible, so that I could move on to the more juicier topics). However mundane obtaining these basic facts may seem, one must acknowledge their significance. Personally, I do not think that I ever took the time to realize the value that lies behind these questions. That is, until now.

MY EXPERIENCE...

Image Credit: Henry Lee Battle

Perhaps it is due to the fact that I made the conscious effort to be overly inquisitive, and considered the act of dating as something done for sport, which caused me to reconsider the pace of the relationship I had chosen to involve myself in. As imagined, I ran threw the basic questions and he passed with flying colors. We were so compatible, it was incredible! Time had gone by gracefully, making a short period of time seem longer - a blissful forever - and plans were soon in the making for us to live together. Like any other woman, I wanted to make sure that his mindset was correct (i.e marriage in the future), as residing together is a major step in any relationship. The moment he opened his mouth is the same moment that time came to an abrupt stop. It was at this moment, months later after our relationship had begun, when I realized that I had jumped over an important topic altogether in my first date lineup: religion. And finding out about a partner's religious background at a point, such as this, is a challenge and a half! 

Image Credit: Henry Lee Battle

With conviction, he spoke to me saying, "I wish that religion was not so important to you." Having been raised in a Christian household, and having only ever received Christian private school education, I knew not how to respond. Still in shock at his statement, I thought to myself, "Could he be any more inconsiderate or disrespectful?" Out of my mouth came not, "What?," but a cartoon-like, extended, "WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" How easily angered I became, knowing that a relationship that I had invested in would shortly come to an end provided he could not change his mind about Christianity. I knew this was not going to be the most effective ultimatum that I had ever given to another person, but I desired immediate satisfaction. I did not want to imagine the relationship ending, so I continued with my plan anyway.

RECOMMENDATIONS...

DO NOT CONTINUE AS I DID! Understanding the perspective of other persons is vital in many aspects of life, especially in an intimate relationship. Since I was not in the mood for being patient, I refrained from taking the better route, which includes (not all, but some of) the steps that follow: 

1) Be Calm!: It is easier to overreact to the conflict that arises in this situation, especially if religion/spirituality is prevalent in your life. However tempting it may be to throw punches or hurtful words, it will benefit you more to remain calm and be prepared to talk out the differences. The worst thing that can come from acting out on anger is an irrational decision. No one is ever happy after that. 

2) Compare/Contrast and Compromise!: Although this is one of the steps that many people would rather skip, I find that it is helpful if both parties sit and talk about their beliefs. While many religious people may be opposed to listening to the traditions and values of another faith, I would argue that this could be an opportunity for the couple to grow closer,  despite their differences. One may even be surprised to find out some of the similarities between their religious doctrines! 

Image Credit: Johnny Myers

If it happens that there are some similarities that one can live with, then it may be good to know the the relationship can still be salvaged (as religion can often be a deal-breaker for many people). I do not recommend compromising your faith - that is something that no one should be requested of doing. However, it may be possible to compromise which of the religious/spiritual activities that are done when together and which ones can be done when in the absence of the other partner. Embarking on a religious/spiritual journey can be very beneficial for those who are willing to explore and learn about the things that are important to the one that they love.

3) Be Patient!: If it happens that the two of you decide to engage in the religious/spiritual activities of the other's faith or learn why it is important to your partner, then it is imperative that you display patience at all times. Being that religion has always been regarded as a sensitive topic, there is a lot of opportunity for any conversation to turn sour.   Unlike me, you want to take smaller steps in introducing these practices.

4) Ask About Religion FIRST!: Think long and hard about what questions you choose in your first date lineup. Whereas I once took religion/spirituality for granted, assuming that everyone I dated would share the same religious beliefs, it is now on my lineup list. Knowing what matters to you and presenting those characteristics is more valuable than sharing the same color or food. Ask now and there will be no issues later!

5) KNOW What You Want!: If you KNOW that you are uncomfortable with anyone who shares different religious beliefs, then you also KNOW that you should end it as soon as possible. But, for those who are unsure, take some personal time to decide if the presence of another religion is something that you are willing to embrace or not. You are an individual before you are a person in a relationship. Retain your individuality and make this personal choice count!

Trending: FWB (Friends With Benefits)

This one is for all of my female readers who have experienced, or are currently experiencing that awkward phase between being single and being in a relationship. This is about that trippy stage in life when the idea of making a life long commitment brings more fear than not having enough money to pay for bottles for your next house party. I'm talking about the "midlife crisis" status for those people who are between the ages of 18 and 25. (FWB stage for older women is called Cougar Craze, and Hefner Happy for older men - Blog Coming Soon!).  Despite the fact that this can be the most memorable part of a young persons life (a.k.a The Roaring 20's), it can also be one of the most unbearable, especially if you are the person in this situation knowing that this is not a circumstance that you want. Here is where I give a few hints - to female readers - on how to avoid simply being another temporary tasty trend, a fabulously fading fad or an easily replaceable routine.  

WARNING: This post is not intended to insult any male audiences. 

Image Credit: Nick Galifianakis

It is a known fact that men and women develop at different paces. This seems to be especially true for intimate relationships. I have a feeling that at some point between Puberty Place and Adulthood Alley, both sexes made a point to cross paths, leaving me to question this awkward location: WTF Way! The term relationship is already a word that holds a lot of weight, and because of that weight, many young adults prefer to hold out until later - whenever that may be. And this, I understand. There are a number of valid reasons for why people decide to put off entering into relationship; recent reak-up, primary focus is on a career, financial troubles (YES! You need $$), or just made parole and are no longer about that "I'll-do-anything-to-please-another-person-even-if it-means-I'll-go-to-jail" life. Again, I understand. However, what I do not understand is a person wanting all of the benefits of a relationship without having the courtesy to define/label it and give it the appropriate title. 

Yes! I am arguing that FWB is the modern day default choice of many people because they choose not to move forward towards a relationship, or regress and label it as a friendship. See ladies, what is more than likely going to happen is that you will get sucked into the most unfortunate place on WTF Way, which is a decorated dungeon shared between the Sex House and the Friendship House - the Bump Buddy basement. (Dun Dun Dunnnnnn!) Without a doubt, the worst feeling about FWB comes when feelings are realized for the person with whom you are intimately involved. It's reminiscent of a heartbreak. Being in an FWB situation does not promise the same amount of happiness that can potentially be present in an actual relationship. With FWB: All sex. Some fun. No love. 

Granted, some people may want these circumstances. But for those who do not, here are 3 ways to avoid giving the other person all of the authority to label your situation, and labeling you a FWB. 

1) Make Intentions Known: By telling your partner what your expectations are in the beginning of the relationship, you keep him on his toes. It also gives him a chance to rethink whether or not you two are on the same page at that particular point in your lives. Opening up in the beginning leaves no room for confusion later. Most importantly, stick by what it is that you claimed to have desired at the start. Do not change your mind and settle for what it is that he desires alone. Your feelings matter too. Never waste time by trying to please someone else, as there is a great chance that you will only be cheating yourself. By stating what you expect from this arrangement in the start, you keep the ball in your court. Play well!

Image Credit: SimplySquaredAway

2) Set A Time Limit: Not too long ago, a close friend told me that she sets time limits on new romantic arrangements. This time frame of 3 months was intended to give both parties a good amount of time to get to know each other before either became too comfortable. The default plan of action that hints that people have become comfortable is FWB, which is simply adding sex into the mix. Adding sex to an arrangement can be good for short term satisfaction, but it will never be helpful if the objective is to commit to a long term relationship. When two people become too comfortable with each other, they have a tendency to forget the goals of the relationship. This is never good, as it will only result in one person taking the lead, often leaving the opinion of the others behind. Always be the first one to suggest a change of pace, especially while everything is still fresh. Moving in a direction where one person takes control is not healthy under any circumstance. A partnership is a bond between two persons and not one. Action should be done together. Let the 3 month period act as a check point in your arrangement. Use it to decide what should happen next, or if you are happy with now. 

3) End It: If all else fails and he continues to play games, LEAVE. There is nothing worse than staying with a person who does not want the same things as you do. If you have been dating for less than 3 months, it shouldn't be too hard (I don't mean to be insensitive either). If you have been dating for 6 months or longer, this may be the hardest part. But think of what is best for you! Settling for someone who verbally acknowledges the fact that the two of you are not on the same page is a big NO-NO. It may be harder to leave, but it'll be worth it in the end. 

So, there it is. Yes, there are tons of other routes that can be taken to avoid this situation, but these are the ones that I think are best. Relationships are already difficult. Hope I made someone's process a little bit easier.