He Made Me Do IT With A Smile

I have anger issues. I denied it before, but I must admit: I am extremely impatient. I do not like waiting. Though it is a virtue - as we all have been told - it is something that I have not yet channeled within myself. Patience. The word itself sounds so reflective and zen-like that it makes me get a headache simply thinking about it. It's on the top of my list of loaded words along with its cousin, Tolerance.

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Once upon a time, I would consider myself very self-aware. It wasn't until recent that I recognized that a breach had formed between my mind, body and soul. I was not in tune with what was going on with me externally (the forces from the outside world) and internally (the pressure I put on myself). Overwhelmed with wanting immediate change, I took extreme measures. Within a few hours, I declared myself a 2x/day gym goer, only healthy/clean eating foodie, student pursing writing goals and online classes obsessor and an avid reading money-maker. Setting, what I now understand to be, long-term goals to be accomplished in the short-term time period did more damage than anything as I was burnt out and worse off than from when I started. I felt more than defeated, and I had myself to blame. 

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Fourth of July weekend came around and I spent it with a person who I have always known to wear a smile. His dimples and flouride-free whitened teeth made me melt. I watched his chest expand and he stole the fresh air from the life giving trees that surrounded us on the nature trail. I envied his freedom. I wanted his passion for relishing in the beauty of breathing. Although I was jealous of the relationship he had with a natural environment, I was humbled by being able to witness it. 

Photo Credit: MM, Thank-you Sean :) 

My boyfriend doesn't "do" pictures, so his phone is hardly ever in view. We followed a variety of trails and I wanted to capture it all and send it to every social media app that I could get to work while in a remote place. He made it a point to never look directly at the camera. I didn't understand the importance of it, but now I do. Every still image I managed to get of him on our mini-adventure is of him with his back towards me, admiring the heights of the trees, the sturdiness in their trunks and the rhythms of the stream. He used the time to take in what he saw. I used the time to take in his experience.  

Granted, I did not record the entire trip, but a bunch of it is on camera. After spending 2 hours walking trails, reviewing footage and scratching mosquito bites, I've come to the conclusion that I am happiest when I am around people who make me happy. The familiar smile on his face relaxed me. His heart - full and loving - made happiness contagious. My recommendation: always smile.

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You're probably wondering what the first and second part have to do with each other. You know, how does patience and smiling come together to make a successful blog post. Well, from my experience, they are directly linked together. Here it is:

Everything that we do in life is done, ultimately, to achieve some kind of happiness. The disconnect that I had with myself needed to be resolved because, for me, it was so overwhelming that it stood in the way of my happiness. My decision to be happy was a choice. My original method for achieving it was incorrect because it was unhealthy, leaving me at the same place I was when I started. Smiling, laughing, and surrounding myself with a person enhanced my level of happiness, and it took a while for me to figure it out. 

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It does not take a lot for us to be happy. Cherishing moments, such as the one I had, can be the key to a happier life. Yes! I said it: truly being present - without a phone, computer, SnapChat, Pinterest, FB, Instagram and the like - can increase your happiness. I was more than taken aback when I remembered what I had always known: a smile is worth more than gold... its priceless! 

I have made it a point to smile more often and live in the present. I expect to take each day one step at a time sans camera and sans overuse of any other distractions. I would hope for everyone to find one special thing that has brought them happiness, recognize it for what it is, and love it in the moment as you will never have that same feeling again. 

Best,

MM :)

How to: Forgive (Yourself) & Forget (Them)

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Once upon a time there was girl who wanted to do serious damage to her older cousin's basketball because she was hurt by a not so long ago threat he posed to cut off all of the ribbon from the bars of her bicycle... and followed through. Devastated by how her two-wheeler looked with tape on the ends, she planned to end his life. Yes, she would do something that no other younger relative has ever thought to do before. She would commit - - - toy homicide. She kept the image of her darling ribbon plastered to the bars in her mind. She was distraught by how they remained lifeless, tucked behind the sticky contraption was imagined would make it "okay." She recalls every effort she made to save up Christmas money, Birthday money, allowance and lunch money she saved from Mixed-Meatball Monday's. Her mind rested on the fact that the action was done out of fun; he did not care. She knew, however, that the moment she sat on the back porch with a kitchen knife in hand that he would learn to care about her and the value of her treasured property.

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Whether or not it is justified, everyone has been in the position where they have done something to hurt someone else. If you're saying that you haven't, take this moment to think back to when you hit someone on the arm because they hit you first.

 Guilty yet?

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Great!

Now that we've established that every person is guilty of having wronged someone, with the intent of hurting them, let's talk about getting over the fact that you felt terrible about it afterwards. Let's reflect on that gut feeling that says, "You're an evil person." Well, remember the old saying, "Time heals?" In most cases, it does. In cases where it does not, let me offer you some comfort. 

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I am not the same young girl that I was years ago. Will I put a knife in a child's basketball now, as an adult? Of course not. Would I still put a knife in my older cousin's signed- autographed Harlem Globetrotter's basketball? Hmmm... probably not. At this point in my life, I think I'd be most likely to sell it (jk, I don't touch his stuff). Still, the point remains that I would not do the same things that I once did as a child, because I am no longer a child. Should I still feel badly about what I did, years later? Well, that depends on me. I imagine that I would be satisfied if he apologized for hurting my feelings, breaking my ribbon and saying it was done just for fun. None of that happened... at least, not the way that I wanted it to. 

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I felt terrible about it the next day, until he told me he probably deserved it after what he did to my bike, and didn't really care too much about the basketball... because his wasn't at our grandmother's house - the same place I live. He told me that his ball was at his house, meaning that my ball... well, was now gone. I like to think that I learned at a young age that karma comes around quite quickly. So... do I regret what I did? Of course... I did, but now, I don't.  

Why do I not live with it? - totally different question. Humans are emotional beings. We attribute factors like love, truth, appreciation, satisfaction, and a whole host of intangibles to our actions (also intangible). Simply put, I like to think that the way we feel is simply a reflection of how our minds are ordered and the way we choose to operate them. If I am constantly thinking about wishing to not having done what it is that I did wrong, I will never learn from my wrong actions - my wrong thinking. If I am consistently trying to distract myself from hurting that person again, I am thinking about the idea of hurting that person, which (I think) increases my chances of actually doing it. 

The answer of how not to live with regret is: 

FORGIVE (YOURSELF) and FORGET (THEM).

I never abided by this rule, as I was always a strong believer that God helps those who help themselves. My terrible logic of God assisting me to put a hole in a basketball that I thought belonged to someone else is remarkably idiotic. But since then, I've forgiven myself and forgotten what he did to bring harm to my emotions. This mantra is for those who truly want to live happily, without baggage of any sort. Trust me, no one is angry about what you did ump-teen years ago but you. 

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Mom: shouting down the hallway, "Don't use it all, B." 

B: shouting back, "I won't." 

Mom closes the apartment door and enters MM. MM in tears. 

Mom: "What's wrong, Booboo?"

(L to R) MM, B

MM: "B took off all the ribbons from my new bike."

Mom: "Did he-"

MM: "I popped his ball."

Mom: "Why would you?-"

MM: "I'm sorry."

Mom: "Tell him." 

MM: "Where is he?" 

Mom: "Look out the window."

MM motions to the window where she can have an immediate view of the driveway. She can see B (her older cousin) carefully applying tape to the torn ribbons from her bicycle. Still, she is saddened by the weight of the deflated basketball in her hand. 

Without moving her eyes away from her cousin, MM beckons her mother

MM: "Do you have a pump?" 

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Live happy,

MM :)