How to: Forgive (Yourself) & Forget (Them)

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Once upon a time there was girl who wanted to do serious damage to her older cousin's basketball because she was hurt by a not so long ago threat he posed to cut off all of the ribbon from the bars of her bicycle... and followed through. Devastated by how her two-wheeler looked with tape on the ends, she planned to end his life. Yes, she would do something that no other younger relative has ever thought to do before. She would commit - - - toy homicide. She kept the image of her darling ribbon plastered to the bars in her mind. She was distraught by how they remained lifeless, tucked behind the sticky contraption was imagined would make it "okay." She recalls every effort she made to save up Christmas money, Birthday money, allowance and lunch money she saved from Mixed-Meatball Monday's. Her mind rested on the fact that the action was done out of fun; he did not care. She knew, however, that the moment she sat on the back porch with a kitchen knife in hand that he would learn to care about her and the value of her treasured property.

- - - 

Whether or not it is justified, everyone has been in the position where they have done something to hurt someone else. If you're saying that you haven't, take this moment to think back to when you hit someone on the arm because they hit you first.

 Guilty yet?

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Great!

Now that we've established that every person is guilty of having wronged someone, with the intent of hurting them, let's talk about getting over the fact that you felt terrible about it afterwards. Let's reflect on that gut feeling that says, "You're an evil person." Well, remember the old saying, "Time heals?" In most cases, it does. In cases where it does not, let me offer you some comfort. 

- - - 

I am not the same young girl that I was years ago. Will I put a knife in a child's basketball now, as an adult? Of course not. Would I still put a knife in my older cousin's signed- autographed Harlem Globetrotter's basketball? Hmmm... probably not. At this point in my life, I think I'd be most likely to sell it (jk, I don't touch his stuff). Still, the point remains that I would not do the same things that I once did as a child, because I am no longer a child. Should I still feel badly about what I did, years later? Well, that depends on me. I imagine that I would be satisfied if he apologized for hurting my feelings, breaking my ribbon and saying it was done just for fun. None of that happened... at least, not the way that I wanted it to. 

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I felt terrible about it the next day, until he told me he probably deserved it after what he did to my bike, and didn't really care too much about the basketball... because his wasn't at our grandmother's house - the same place I live. He told me that his ball was at his house, meaning that my ball... well, was now gone. I like to think that I learned at a young age that karma comes around quite quickly. So... do I regret what I did? Of course... I did, but now, I don't.  

Why do I not live with it? - totally different question. Humans are emotional beings. We attribute factors like love, truth, appreciation, satisfaction, and a whole host of intangibles to our actions (also intangible). Simply put, I like to think that the way we feel is simply a reflection of how our minds are ordered and the way we choose to operate them. If I am constantly thinking about wishing to not having done what it is that I did wrong, I will never learn from my wrong actions - my wrong thinking. If I am consistently trying to distract myself from hurting that person again, I am thinking about the idea of hurting that person, which (I think) increases my chances of actually doing it. 

The answer of how not to live with regret is: 

FORGIVE (YOURSELF) and FORGET (THEM).

I never abided by this rule, as I was always a strong believer that God helps those who help themselves. My terrible logic of God assisting me to put a hole in a basketball that I thought belonged to someone else is remarkably idiotic. But since then, I've forgiven myself and forgotten what he did to bring harm to my emotions. This mantra is for those who truly want to live happily, without baggage of any sort. Trust me, no one is angry about what you did ump-teen years ago but you. 

- - -

Mom: shouting down the hallway, "Don't use it all, B." 

B: shouting back, "I won't." 

Mom closes the apartment door and enters MM. MM in tears. 

Mom: "What's wrong, Booboo?"

(L to R) MM, B

MM: "B took off all the ribbons from my new bike."

Mom: "Did he-"

MM: "I popped his ball."

Mom: "Why would you?-"

MM: "I'm sorry."

Mom: "Tell him." 

MM: "Where is he?" 

Mom: "Look out the window."

MM motions to the window where she can have an immediate view of the driveway. She can see B (her older cousin) carefully applying tape to the torn ribbons from her bicycle. Still, she is saddened by the weight of the deflated basketball in her hand. 

Without moving her eyes away from her cousin, MM beckons her mother

MM: "Do you have a pump?" 

- - -

Live happy,

MM :)

Social Cost Of Pornography

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Scenario: Girlfriend finds porn on her Boyfriend's computer, phone, bookshelf, trunk, shoebox underneath the bed, wallet, closet, DVD player and dresser drawer on different occasions. She's upset because she feels that he is, after having looked at so much porn, going to expect so much of her sexually. Now, it's not that homegirl is not confident in her skills to please him, but that she is just not into the kind of stuff that porn promotes. Years later, they marry. Same woman, now called a wife, confronts husband about his obsession with porn because she 'senses' that the porn overdose will make them emotionally distant from each other because she believes that porn is a fake imitation of intimacy that will, inevitably, cause a problem in their marriage. Husband says, "Not really."

I know that his statement was a bit of a dull ending, but it's the response that ends many conversations, unless you are of a violent breed who gets the last word by making sure that the other person is forever silenced. Is this particular scenario fabricated? Yes. It is true? Definitely.

- - - 

I overheard a woman in the book store who was complaining to her boyfriend, and following the context clues, I concluded that it was about his interest in looking at the literature he chose to browse in the 'Mature' reading section. Being the sleuth that I am, I walked by to see their faces. The woman was a young, soon-to-be mother, and her partner (I imagine) was no more than 24. He reached for a book that had the cover of Asa Akira on it. If you are not familiar with who she is, I suggest googling her under a private browser. The woman's comments sounded like this, in variation, of course:

"Who would even buy that?" ... "Why are you looking at that?" ... "Is this necessary?" ... "What does this mean for us" ... "Would you want your daughter's boyfriend looking at that instead of her?"                                                                    

  (The last one was how I knew they were related)

Women have a tendency to believe that a man in possession of porn is, somehow, cheating on his relationship with her. Well, I'll tell you right now... I am still uncertain if this is the case. What I do know, however, is that if there is something that two people in a relationship do not agree on, and one person is not willing to be open-minded, or change, then there is little hope for survival. Two addicts in love will always stay in love as long as they never get clean. Is porn addicting? To some.

To the lady whose conversation I heard at B&N last night, I recommend reading up on what Asa Akira is doing if you feel so inclined to believe that he's risking your relationship. Watch, read or listen to it with him. While there must be something about porn that he is attracted to, there is also something about you, my dear, that he loves. Don't be quick to take offense to this late night book browsing at night.


On another note: Do you think that there is a social cost to viewing pornography? What's at risk? Who suffers?


Let me know & comment below.

Best,
MM :)

English Literature: #WhyItDoesn'tWork

I've spent years in school taking Honors English courses, assisting students in writing and editing papers, reading magazines and 'classic' English literature, kept a journal and a blog, then took a trip to London to get 'cultured,' and I still don't have a job. Honestly, I pray to God that this diploma that I'm working for is the golden ticket that I need to get a good job to start some sort of career that won't have me begging on the streets. When you think hard enough about it, school is a business, and the student is the client. As a client who has invested a great deal in their services, and is still under-qualified for every job opening in the professional world, leaving me with an 'unemployed' status, I'm learning that there are a few downfalls to being in school.

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Now wait! I am not saying that education is not something that I value. What I am saying, however, is that the primary means for which we are having to attain the education sets us up for... very little. 

You must either believe in luck, have a network of high-profile people, or be related to anyone who works in the position you wish to be in for people to even consider taking a look at your resume. I was told by a professional at my school that by taking classes, reading books, writing articles, networking and patience is all that was needed for me to land the perfect job that allows me to do what it is that I want to do with my degree: write for a company who needs a writer. Unfortunately, every person I've spoken to who works as a writer has told me that the last thing that I need to do is take more classes in English literature. Apparently, the classics are not a bit of help in the professional world of writing. That's right! Austen, Bronte, Wilde, Shakespeare, Ibsen, etc. are doing nothing for me. I'm starting to see the textbooks as supplementary goods to the overall product (a college education). "So... what good are they?" I ask. 

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I'm learning to be more open to the word 'alternative,' especially since most things have not gone as planned since the end of the last school year. I have had to come up with different ways to occupy my mind, make money, make time then divide it amongst the people I care about. I have had to become creative with my plans for the future. I have used resources, ones that my school librarians would not recommend (like Google), to research ideas on how to make the most of the time that I have while I'm not in a classroom. 

As I mentally prepare myself to reenter the dreaded room of individual seats and creaking desks, I challenge you think of new ways to invent the life that you wish to live. Imagine a world where books were the only teachers, and all knowledge was simply handed from the author, then you went into the world more informative than whence you began. Imagine a time where you were your own teacher: the world (exotic countries, cities, etc.) would be your textbooks, interactions would be your projects, the amount of friendships you accumulated would be your grades, and the constant enhancement of happiness would be your pay. 

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See, I told you I believe that education is important, but I feel it needs to be redefined. Formal education has turned into a means for reinforcing social hierarchies. The flaw is in the whole ranking system, however, being that some people are simply bad test takers and grades will, therefore, never reflect the amount of knowledge they have acquired from a particular course. My point? Every thing is not always as it appears. I mean, my English literature classes had syllabi with a whole host of 'great' authors listed next to the names of the texts I'd be reading. I'm sure no one fathomed that they would only end up being of most use to me by being sold on Amazon. 

Question everything people.

Best,

MM :)