How to: Forgive (Yourself) & Forget (Them)

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Once upon a time there was girl who wanted to do serious damage to her older cousin's basketball because she was hurt by a not so long ago threat he posed to cut off all of the ribbon from the bars of her bicycle... and followed through. Devastated by how her two-wheeler looked with tape on the ends, she planned to end his life. Yes, she would do something that no other younger relative has ever thought to do before. She would commit - - - toy homicide. She kept the image of her darling ribbon plastered to the bars in her mind. She was distraught by how they remained lifeless, tucked behind the sticky contraption was imagined would make it "okay." She recalls every effort she made to save up Christmas money, Birthday money, allowance and lunch money she saved from Mixed-Meatball Monday's. Her mind rested on the fact that the action was done out of fun; he did not care. She knew, however, that the moment she sat on the back porch with a kitchen knife in hand that he would learn to care about her and the value of her treasured property.

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Whether or not it is justified, everyone has been in the position where they have done something to hurt someone else. If you're saying that you haven't, take this moment to think back to when you hit someone on the arm because they hit you first.

 Guilty yet?

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Great!

Now that we've established that every person is guilty of having wronged someone, with the intent of hurting them, let's talk about getting over the fact that you felt terrible about it afterwards. Let's reflect on that gut feeling that says, "You're an evil person." Well, remember the old saying, "Time heals?" In most cases, it does. In cases where it does not, let me offer you some comfort. 

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I am not the same young girl that I was years ago. Will I put a knife in a child's basketball now, as an adult? Of course not. Would I still put a knife in my older cousin's signed- autographed Harlem Globetrotter's basketball? Hmmm... probably not. At this point in my life, I think I'd be most likely to sell it (jk, I don't touch his stuff). Still, the point remains that I would not do the same things that I once did as a child, because I am no longer a child. Should I still feel badly about what I did, years later? Well, that depends on me. I imagine that I would be satisfied if he apologized for hurting my feelings, breaking my ribbon and saying it was done just for fun. None of that happened... at least, not the way that I wanted it to. 

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I felt terrible about it the next day, until he told me he probably deserved it after what he did to my bike, and didn't really care too much about the basketball... because his wasn't at our grandmother's house - the same place I live. He told me that his ball was at his house, meaning that my ball... well, was now gone. I like to think that I learned at a young age that karma comes around quite quickly. So... do I regret what I did? Of course... I did, but now, I don't.  

Why do I not live with it? - totally different question. Humans are emotional beings. We attribute factors like love, truth, appreciation, satisfaction, and a whole host of intangibles to our actions (also intangible). Simply put, I like to think that the way we feel is simply a reflection of how our minds are ordered and the way we choose to operate them. If I am constantly thinking about wishing to not having done what it is that I did wrong, I will never learn from my wrong actions - my wrong thinking. If I am consistently trying to distract myself from hurting that person again, I am thinking about the idea of hurting that person, which (I think) increases my chances of actually doing it. 

The answer of how not to live with regret is: 

FORGIVE (YOURSELF) and FORGET (THEM).

I never abided by this rule, as I was always a strong believer that God helps those who help themselves. My terrible logic of God assisting me to put a hole in a basketball that I thought belonged to someone else is remarkably idiotic. But since then, I've forgiven myself and forgotten what he did to bring harm to my emotions. This mantra is for those who truly want to live happily, without baggage of any sort. Trust me, no one is angry about what you did ump-teen years ago but you. 

- - -

Mom: shouting down the hallway, "Don't use it all, B." 

B: shouting back, "I won't." 

Mom closes the apartment door and enters MM. MM in tears. 

Mom: "What's wrong, Booboo?"

(L to R) MM, B

MM: "B took off all the ribbons from my new bike."

Mom: "Did he-"

MM: "I popped his ball."

Mom: "Why would you?-"

MM: "I'm sorry."

Mom: "Tell him." 

MM: "Where is he?" 

Mom: "Look out the window."

MM motions to the window where she can have an immediate view of the driveway. She can see B (her older cousin) carefully applying tape to the torn ribbons from her bicycle. Still, she is saddened by the weight of the deflated basketball in her hand. 

Without moving her eyes away from her cousin, MM beckons her mother

MM: "Do you have a pump?" 

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Live happy,

MM :)